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Divorce - 5 Tips to Master Your Fear in Divorce

Divorced? Separated? It's a pretty scary prospect to many who are on the road to divorce.Somany questions come up. Will I be alright? Will my children grow upemotionally scarred from my relationship breakdown? Will I be able tocope financially? Am I doomed to be single? What if my nextrelationship tanks too? Underlying these questions is fear.Someof this fear is primal and wired into your neurological system. Fear issupposed to have you pause and make sure there aren't any Saber-toothedtigers lurking around. A lot of fear is simply old programming youinherited growing up.When you're in the transition from onephase to another, your mind feverishly tries to assess and analyze thatfuture state before you've actually experienced it. I've broken downthe word "FEAR" into the following acronym: "Feeling Expansion And Resisting."When you take on new challenges, you push the envelope of your comfortzone and expand. Creating a new life for yourself as a divorced personis definitely such a challenge!Fear is like a warning systemthat is triggered during that expansion and causes you to pause, tore-assess whether you really want to leave familiar ground and ventureinto the unknown. So how do you master your fears?1. Reframe Fear as a Positive Sign Iencourage my clients to use fear as a confirmation they are makingprogress. Rather than trying to squelch those feelings, what if youwelcomed fear as a sign you're moving ahead. If you're not experiencingsome degree of fear, chances are you're not stretching too far out ofyour existing comfort zone.2. Feeling Uncomfortable is NormalWhetherit's going on your first date post-separation, your first weekendwithout the children or planning your first "solo" vacation, the firsttime you do anything new is going to feel awkward or uncomfortable.You're building new neural pathways in your brain that will allow youto carry out that new task with ease. It takes time and repetition tobuild those pathways successfully, so acknowledge yourself for beingwilling to try something that feels uncomfortable for you.3. Just Do ItNomatter how hard you try, you cannot "think" your way through fear. Feardissipates once you start to take action. Identify the smallest,bite-sized baby step you could take and simply start with that.Experience is the best teacher.4. Watch your LanguageOurparents were definitely on to something with this warning! Even ourchoice of words we use can subtly keep us stuck as a powerless victimof our fears. When we get fearful and want to resist change, we'lloften say "I can't" do it. Why not be honest about it and say "I won't"do it? Instead of labeling something as a "mistake," what if you calledit a "learning opportunity"? Watch your language and choose words thatleave you feeling energized and empowered.5. Try It, You'll Like It!Whenfeeling unsure or fearful about your next step, I recommend viewingyour next move simply as an experiment. Go ahead and take that nextbaby step. If you don't like the results, you can always go back todoing things the way you used to. Why not at least give yourself theexperience before you judge yourself. Remember, nothing ventured,nothing gained!

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